Steven Wright: 'I Don’t Even Like Food'

We've enlisted comedians, some based here and others who spend their time on the road and come through Vegas, to share their recommendations on great places to dine in Sin City for a feature dubbed Comedian Confidential.

Can you believe that comedian Steven Wright won an Academy Award? Well, he did, for a short film called The Appointments of Dennis Jennings. The monotone comedian takes over The Orleans Showroom tonight and Saturday night with his own form of wit, absurdist one-liners, and deadpan delivery. Eater Vegas chatted with the funny man to find out where he likes to dine in Vegas (he doesn’t), about his first trip to Vegas on his way to his debut on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and more. Go ahead and read it in a monotone for the full effect.

How often do you get to Las Vegas?
I get there once or twice a year. Two different times. I can’t go twice at once. I have to go and come back.

Do you remember your first trip to Vegas?
Yes, I do because I went on The Tonight Show in August 1982 and that was the first time I went on TV. Lived in Massachusetts. I drove through Las Vegas and stayed overnight. I was driving across the U.S. and I had a box of all my notebooks with jokes in it. I was walking into the casino  and I went back to my car because I didn’t want to leave it in the car. I remember looking at the pool with all the girls. We left the next day.

What about the first time you performed here?
It was at the Sands Hotel. I don’t remember anything about it. It was in one of those old-time theaters with the booths that was ’60s-type looking.

Do you have any favorite restaurants you like to visit here?
I don’t even like food. If they made a pill that you could take Jan. 1. so you wouldn’t have to eat the whole year, I would take it. The only reason I eat is because if I don’t I know I will die. I eat so I won’t die. Coffee, is that considered part of the food category? I love coffee. It’s one of the three reasons I don’t kill myself. I’d have to know you better to tell you the other two. I like pasta and Raisinettes. Not together.

I don’t believe that.
Everything I said to you is true. I do like pastas. Raisinettes are not one of my favorites.

Do people approach you while you're dining out?
Very rarely. You know what? Occasionally. I might be on my way out and they say hello. How did you like it? I don’t know. I don’t really care for food.

What about nightlife? Do you ever go out after a show to unwind?
Yes, I go out to the Bellagio. I like to watch. I don’t gamble. I don’t drink. I don’t even really exist. I’m a hologram. That’s really why I don’t eat. Holograms don’t eat.

I go down there and look around and watch scene.

What was the first thing that shocked you in Las Vegas?
No. That’s not as funny. It’ll be funny. Just no. Yes, I said that during an interview. It’s not only a one-word answer but a two-letter, one-word answer.

What can we expect at your show?
You can expect me to come out and see if I remember how to talk for 80 minutes. I’ll come out and there will be a start, and the middle and the end and I won’t eat during the show or after or before.